Ch ch ch changes

** Huge changes announced at work. I'm still digesting them. I'm up for it though.

** I am now the mother of a middle schooler. I'm still digesting that as well, but pleased with the first week being drama free.

** I can no longer live in this house the way it is. It is not a home. I need to remedy that. It starts today.

** I can no longer afford to smoke. This is ridiculous. I hate smoking and I absolutely adore it. Here we go again.

** My spiritual life is at a stand still. This needs to change. I started the process Thursday. Amazing how when we become willing the right teachers are put in front of us. I no longer want to "feel" spiritual, I want to "be" spiritual.

** The last couple of years have ended with being grateful I survived them. This year I am going out with a BANG!

** I have been in a funk for months. This has done nothing but ask life to give me more funk.

I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more.
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;

For Life is just an employer,
And gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial's hire,
Only to learn dismayed
That any wage I had asked for Life,
Life would have willingly paid.
~Jessie B. Rittenhouse

Passages

It's a big day today. My (not so little) little girl and I are preparing for a trip to the mall to buy clothes for JUNIOR HIGH! My baby starts 7th grade Monday.

My hopes for her are that she has a wonderful year full of positive self discovery; that she finds that it is okay to be just who she is; that she builds on her group of peers and that she is able to be content.

She is back on her medications and the last couple of weeks have been much better. She is back to being the child with a bright affect, rather than the dark, doom and gloom of the last few months.

My job is to have patience with HER process, just as she has shown patience with my process; to help her build resiliency and to love her unconditionally -- with patience and tolerance.

Simplicity

Meditate.
Live purely. Be quiet.
Do your work with mastery.
Like the moon, come out
from behind the clouds!
Shine

Buddha

Blog Forward

I really got a lot out of this: Learning to Walk a Spiritual Path.

It's from Improve Our Concious Contact .

I'm off to do all those last minute things before vacation.

Calling all committe members! Convention in progress!

Whew!

It is very apparent to me that my mind and body are aware of the fact that vacation is in two days.

Those silly little committee members have been busy all day. I think they are trying to call for a convention.

I have spent the day trying to remain aware that my thoughts are not facts and then trying to beat the thought that the thought just might be right!!

Tiring to say the least.

One more day of clients and groups, a day of paperwork, a morning of taking kidlet and friends to 7th grade orientation to get their schedules and then I am off for 4 days of lakeside relaxation and floating on a floaty with my kid and her two bff's.

The committee isn't invited.

Dancing to a New Beat

Things are never boring around here, that's for sure!

I got a myspace message from a friend of my daughter today. The message said that my daughter hates her life, wants to cut herself but doesn't know how to hide the cut.

The first thing I did was tell that friend of hers what a TRUE friend she is by telling me this, despite her fears of my daughter being mad at her. She immediately asked me not to tell my daughter she told me, of course.

Second thing I did was reach out and then went for a drive to pray and not react. I was in shock. She has always talked so fearfully about her friends that she knows have tried cutting or do cut.

Whoa... back up. The second thing I did was sit there and blame myself. If only I could do this...if only I spent more time with her when I had that other job...if only I could cut my hours and be there for her after school instead of my parents...if only her bedroom was decorated just the way she wanted (Ya, I went there)...if only..if only..if only.

Holy shit, this isn't about me and what I haven't done or have done. Her needs are all met as are most of her realistic wants. All kids have unrealistic wants that won't be met. Period. On the flip side, I'm not painting myself to be a perfect parent either. She knows she is loved, that I am sure of.

This is about her and whatever is going on in that head of hers. She lacks the coping mechanisms needed for her pain. Her pain of being overweight, the depression thoughts, the bullying through the school year that she is not looking forward to again when school starts --- and the normal stuff that goes with being in 7th grade and confused.

I haven't told her I know yet. I'm going to talk to the therapist tomorrow and follow her lead. I am clueless. I would like to get through this with out her knowing her friend told me - so she will continue to feel like she can trust this person and share her feelings. Maybe that is not appropriate though. I don't know. That is why I will follow the therapist's lead.

So now we dance to a new beat. We've got the OCD shuffle down pretty well now that she is back on her meds.

I wonder what this journey will bring?