11-30-10

Today's Gratitude:

• That my adult son initiates phone calls and shares about his life.
• A warm home.
• The ability to find gratitude today.
• The loyalty of my beagle, even though she is driving me nuts today ;-)
• The memories of my granny and I.
• That my teen made the honor roll. This shows her self esteem is up.
• The turkey thawing in my fridge that will become tacos tonight :)

Seeing Some Light

I hope you all had a nice holiday. It was small here - just kidlet and I. I still cooked us up a feast with all of our regular dishes. It was a lot of work to do by myself, but it was also therapuetic.

The beginning of the week found us up at the lake with my parents.

They've been parked up there since mid October and travelling back and forth between being here to babysit my niece and nephew. Tomorrow they move it to the duck hunting lodge, so I am glad we were able to spend some time up there. We took kidlets bestie with us as well.

The campground was just about empty so it was very peaceful. Surprisingly, the girls didn't take off to do their usual exploring. They hung out at camp. We had an unlimited supply of firewood so we literally sat by the fire for 2 1/2 days just hanging out. There is something about a camp fire that draws people together.

I was lucky enough to have one afternoon to myself. My parents went in to town and took the girls with them. I sat by the fire and knitted, in peace.  At one point a family of deer came down from the hills and were sprinkled around the camp site.  With the campsite just about empty, this was my view.

It had been raining on and off during our stay, but that day was clear. It was also a full moon. That evening the moon rose right over that ridge. The sky was clear of any clouds and the reflection of the moon on the lake was mesmerizing. Watching that moon rise was definately an unexpected gift of the trip.

My insurance situation is still in the works. This trip was a bonus for my mental health. I'm working on recognizing what are depression thoughts and stopping them before they escalate. I have had some very scary thoughts the last couple of weeks so this work is very crucial. I have to take charge of this situation, rather than it having control of me. It's time to really dig deep or be buried.

Feeling hopeless is frightening. The situation is far from being optimum, but it is a welcome change to have some hope to aid me into some action.

Taking Action

In an attempt to turn my mood around, I decided to head over to  Nimbus Fish Hatchery  this afternoon. It was a brisk afternoon and a welcome respite from the storm we have had the last two days.

The salmon were climbing up the ladders

after swimming back up river

These are some huge salmon and they are very beat up from their journey. 

Tomorrow morning the rangers will take their eggs and their journey will not be a waste.

It was a gorgeous afternoon.

I'm trudging.

I'm sober and nicotine free. I am grateful for that. It has been a major struggle not to smoke the last few days. I'm taking it a moment at a time.

On the other hand, I have not felt as down and depressed as I do the last few days in many years. This is choking my every thought. My head won't shut up, it starts the moment I awake and makes it very hard to fall asleep.

I'm going camping tomorrow. I'm taking a tremendous leap of faith and going without my own car. My parents are already at the lake and my dad is coming tomorrow to pick up the kidlet, her friend and myself. I don't trust my car to make the trip. We will be returning Wednesday morning unless it is raining on Tuesday. This is the first time since I got sober almost 7 years ago that I have not had my own escape route. I don't like it, but I committed to the kidlet to go camping so we are going camping.

We had an awful moment together yesterday, she and I. I became my mother. This fact is not sitting well with my heart or my head. It's been rough lately. I apologized for my words yesterday, but today she and I are going to have a talk. This is tricky. Even though my reaction was off yesterday, as a parent I still need to discuss her behavior with her.

I sat in this living room by myself yesterday and cried the most gut wrenching sobs. I miss my grandmother. She was my anchor. She was my best friend. I feel today as I felt the day she passed.The loss is so very deep again. It has been a year. When does this go away?

 I am grateful for my friends.
 I am grateful for the ability to make amends.
 I am grateful for the ability to know this will get better.
I am grateful for the new found ability to knit and make creations for my friends and family.
I am grateful for those that share their experience, strength and hope.

I am grateful for the ability to realize a drink will not make anything better, but only worse. It amazes me that through all of this depression I have not had to make a drink be my answer. That is just a miracle and certainly not by my own power.

G R A C E = Gently Releasing All Conscious Expectations

I love that definition of Grace.

I've been working on my expectations of others. I noticed I have been laying my happiness partly on the behavior of others. It is so much easier to look at others than to look at my own behaviors and faulty thinking.

We don't have to be around recovery circles for long before we hear that expectations are pre-meditated resentments or a pre-meditated drink. You are never going to live up to my expectations. You will let me down. This isn't because you are an awful person, it is because you are an imperfect human being. Realizing this brings me great peace in my relationships.

The problem I am running into lately is recognizing the unrealistic expectations I have of myself. It is the expectations of myself that I need to release. I am never going to live up to my expectations of myself. This does not make me an awful, undeserving person. This makes me an imperfect being, just as you are.

That is the grace I am seeking today. The ability to allow myself to be a human being, not a perfect being. I need to bring peace to the relationship with myself, just as I strive to bring peace to my relationships with others.

Veteran's Day

 

Thank you to all of our Veterans out there and their families. This is one of my vets, my grandfather. This story is a couple of years old.

My uncle followed in his footsteps serving in Vietnam. My cousin followed his dad and is active Army and has done 3 tours in Iraq.

Quieting The Mind

I'm working on quieting my mind. Meditation is something that has always been difficult for me to accomplish. I know, though, that it is crucial to quiet my mind. 

I have no thoughts of drinking, but I have been around long enough to know that those thoughts can creep in at any time. My recovery is not hinged on battling the thoughts of drinking. My recovery is based on keeping myself in  a manner of living where drinking or drugging is not a necessary relief.

On my quest to shut up the anxiety and fears in my head, I've taken up knitting on a loom, concentrating on the "stitch" and not my thoughts. I have bags of Granny's knitting needles she acquired over the years and I hope to graduate to those soon. She would be thrilled (and very much surprised!). I'm learning both methods utilizing tutorials on YouTube. I find that so amazing!

I'm also setting aside 10 minutes a day to begin making a disciplined effort to learn to meditate. I am finding some great information on meditation here.  I know this is necessary to my well being and feel dedication to the process as I did towards sobriety on the day I reached out for help. I believe we call this the gift of desperation.  I was convinced after reading this post at Guinevere Gets Sober . Thanks Guinevere.

I know for some this is a no brainer, but it is something I had given up on as just not in my cards.   There was something in G's post and the way the website was written that gave me hope. I'll file this under when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

I received a short, but wonderful note on Facebook from my ex brother in law. We have not conversed for years, but my son works for him in another state. My son recently went back to work there after a short absence and is now in a managerial position. The note I received was only a few sentences, but it sang praise to my son and his abilities. 

I sent a note of gratitude back to my brother in law. I was able to take the open door and let him know how grateful I am for his positive influence, and the fatherly role he has taken with my son. I feel so lucky to have had that door opened for me.

Today is a good day.

I'm Around

I started the process for help with my depression, but like I said, it's a process. I worked on pushing through the last week, being careful to pay attention to when my mind was going in directions that were not healthy.  The act of coming clean with how I am feeling here and with close friends was a good step in the right direction.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Faith
• My sobriety. Through all of this a drink has not entered my mind as an option
• Friend whom call me on my shit
• The happy phase my teen was in this week :)
• Family
• Coffee!
• Naps
• Ability to become honest with myself
• My DVR ;-)
• 73 days NICOTINE FREE!!!!